Sports on Drugs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vUhSYLRw14

Why didn't we think of this? If the plan is to be plastered all the time anyway, who cares how good you are at sports sober? All that matters is how you can perform in the "real world." Because beer pong shouldn't be the only activity that measures one's motor skills while under the influence of dangerous toxins to the mind, here are some suggestions:

-Drunken Marathon. "You want drinking stations? We got drinking stations for ya." Run a mile, chug a beer. Simple.
-Chess Pong. You play with pint glasses with p's and q's and whatnot scribbled on them. When a peice of yours get taken, you drink. Or maybe if you want to take a peice you drink. There are possiblities here. Check and checkmate should proabably include drugs as well.
- Weed should be combined with combat sports. Stick two MMA guys in a giant bong and see if they can kill each other before they become a Judd Apatow movie. Either way, a crowd pleaser.
-Nascar loves a good sponser. And we already know how well drinking and driving go together.
-Cocaine......nevermind. Maybe sports isn't for millionaires.
-There is absolutely no reason figure skaters need to have self-awareness. Shroom em up and you might even get something watchable.
-Dementia football, no drugs required. Just get some retired NFL players, yell hike, and let them loose in a mall or church or against a real NFL team.

Um...go right?

From what I can tell, this is not a joke. http://thequad.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/14/one-handed-player-makes-manhattan-debut/

This kid got me thinking. Sports are better when different player's have different values. Think about that L.L. Cool J movie where only some of the players get a motorcycle. Or about sweet gladiator games where two guys with tridents have to battle a tiger and a dude in a chariot in a three way melee. Usually in sports, there is just one "special" player, some kind of defensive specialist, like a goalie in soccer or hockey or a pitcher or bowler (cough, not real) in baseball/cricket. But all hope is not lost, people are starting to come around to the strategic complexity that arises from unequal participants. This is one of the big draws of murderball for me. They even have numerical classification of disabliity from .5 to 3.5, with a team of 4 not being able to exceed 8 total points. (Whats' the best configuration? A bunch of marios in the middle, or two superstars and two whimps? Also, please leave your preferred configuration of players in NES Ice Hockey in the comments. I, for one, am a Big, Medium, Medium, Small for life but am willing to listen to arguments revolving around bigs for fighting or multiple small for give and goes.) So if while playing, your 1.5 is able to "jam up" the other teams 2.5 effectively, this is a big advantage in quad rugby where in another sport it would be pretty neutral.

Some ideas for "special players" in other sports:

- The DH in baseball gets to use an Aluminuim bat. The postion is broken anyway.

- Two players on a basketball team are "soccer stars", they can set picks, defend, and let balls richochet off them, but no hands. This is kind of what the NBA was in the late 90's anyway.

- Lacrosse defenders get shields. And maybe somebody gets a slingshot.

- There should certainly be snowmobiles in hockey, the question is how many.

- Football should be guys vs. girls, only the guys have to hop on one leg. Watching people getting laid out is a purely American pleasure, and the only way I can think to make it better is to mix in some gender equality, or in the is case, clear inequality.

-Youth sports should get a total alloment of age that they can use any way they see fit. Can a football team of all thirteen year olds beat Tim Tebow and all twelve year olds? Proabably not but I would like to find out.

- Paintball. Fucking paintball. Why isn't this the most popular sport in America? Because the people that run it suck. Instead of stupid boring courses with things to hide behind, etc, whatever they have, paintball should just be a videogame. Whether its capture the flag, or terrorists vs. good guys, or hostage situation (celebrity tie-in anyone?) they should play paintball in high rises, warehouses, sewers, outer space, new jersey. Its the also the perfect sport for "characters". One guy is only allowed to throw paint grenades. Somebody gets a bazooka. Another gets a machine gun on a turret (maybe connected to a jeep, although the first time someone gets run over... it would be awesome!!). Another poor chap is the doctor and doesnt get a gun. Maybe you have a bunch of guys that are just guys, they just run and try to get the flag. I hope you get the idea because it would be the greatest fucking thing to watch on television in the history of the eyeball. If this happens, you are all welcome because I am taking all the credit.